Waiting for the other shoe to drop

“This expression alludes to a person awakened by a neighbor who loudly dropped one shoe on the floor and is waiting for the second shoe to be dropped. (Early 1900s)” – Dictionary.com

We have been waiting for it to happen; for the other shoe to drop. It was inevitable. We knew it. He would end up back on dialysis. It was merely a matter of time. Diabetes had ravaged his kidneys to such an extent that they were failing. Diabetes sucks. It really, truly does. So, here we are. So what? Life goes on and we will deal. You know I lie, right? I am endlessly the optimist and at the very same time a pragmatic realist. Mixed in there as well is the wisher and dreamer. The one with her head stuck in the sand. I swear I do have ostrich DNA in the mixture of my gene pool. I want to wave a magic wand and make it all go away even as the realist in me puts up sound arguments for acceptance. Even as I mourn the news we got yesterday.

However, like most things in life there was an up side. A spot had opened up here in town so there will be no lengthy stay in the big city. I am trying hard not to dwell on the downside of it all. Somebody died in order for hubby to have that spot. Why did the doctor have to tell us that? Why? I really could have done without that added bit of information. Aw, but there it is. I am truly grateful he will have a spot. Yet, I am saddened knowing a family somewhere here in town is grieving their loved one. That bit of information also put horrendous expectations in place again. Kidney disease – dialysis can only do so much. It cannot clean all toxins from the blood and so there will come a day when the other shoe will drop again. But until that time, I pray we will use the time given wisely and thankfully. Life truly is a gift. Please, Divine One, help me not dwell on morbid expectations and maudlin thoughts. Help me give thanks for this reprieve once again.


January 8 has come and gone – and in case you’re wondering, that court date was cancelled and there is another on the 31st of this month. I think my whole family will be very glad to put the whole thing behind us. It’s been so very painful going through the ordeal of a trial. If you are a first time visitor I will fill you in: On November 19, 2016 my brother was killed when a drunk driver slammed into his vehicle at highway speed.  In November 2017 the case against the impaired driver went to court and my family has been undergoing Chris’s death all over again and hearing details once unknown. It’s been brutal.

This month has been particularly hard for my children and I because, added to the stress of the court case, my husband was hospitalized on New Year’s Day.  He was released after two weeks, but he is still very sick.

So I am waiting – waiting to see what transpires as far as that court case is concerned; and waiting and hoping for recovery for my husband. Sometimes I am very patient – other times I just want to scream and pull my hair out. It is what it is. Nobody ever promised me an easy life, and, despite the challenges and difficulties,  it has been, on balance, a very good life. Life really is what you make it. And while waiting can be very tiresome I know that somewhere in all this there is a lesson to be learned.  I have no idea what it may be. But I know some day, somehow, a light bulb will go off and I will say “Aha, that’s why”.  I just hope that the pain and stress of the past months will have been worth it.