A few photographs from a walk on the nature trail recently
From mushrooms to dragonflies; daisies to berries, every walk on the trail brings forth new delights. Balm for the soul, food for the spirit, every walk is nourishing.
“Leave me alone,” screams the child within
But the ogre under my rib cage will have none of it
Like a leach attached to tender skin it continues to suck me dry
Consuming every bit of life and leaving me gasping
The control monster stomps freely
Holding me captive
At the end of a leash
“OH, freedom, come, please come” the soul whimpers
Jailed within – though seemingly free without
I travel in endless circles of malaise
Though I struggle, scream, and shout
No one answers – they do not hear
The leash is short and freedom curtailed by its length
The chains around my heart squeeze like an enormous boa constricter
Until my every breath pains me
Locked in a seemingly never-ending crater of loneliness
Pain and isolation are of my making
No other creator but I
The monster breathes
But only because I allow it
I will lift the sword again
I muster every bit of inner strength
I will chop off the monster’s head
Chuck it into the garbage bin where it belongs
And try again to soldier on
The thirst for freedom I will slake
And taste again the sweetness of life
My mind is reeling with the words of the pathologist reverberating in my head while images of Chris in that casket flash on and off like some demented disco ball. Many people do not want to talk about it. That’s okay – they are dealing with the aftermath in the best way they can. Personally, I need to talk. I need to let it out – but where? Grieving is a highly personal thing. So if you’re following this blog you are forewarned. I am going to talk! At the same time I am not a fully open book. Evidence of this blog aside, I am a private person. I don’t particularly want to “put it all out there” but I need to release these demons that hound me. I need to start getting ready for work and I do not want to carry this into my day. To speak or not to speak, that is the question. At the moment writing about my dilemma is helping, but time grows short. I guess I will have to leave it for a better time.
Fear and rage
That two-headed monster that lives within
Like a lion it paces back and forth
And springs, when I unleash it
Only to suck me dry like some psychic vampire
Leaving me weak and helpless
I cry to the heavens for help
And help does come
Through human hands
It soothes me
And shackles the monster once again
And frees me
The fear that consumed me has been banished by loving care
The rage quieted
I am at peace
And I give thanks
For the knowledge
I have only to ask
And help will come
I have been blessed to know many different people in my life, and they each imparted a pearl of wisdom that has contributed to my health and happiness. One such pearl is the knowledge that worry and anxiety create stress, which releases toxins into the body. Over time these toxins can break down the immune system and cause serious illness. This is why it is so important to avoid worry. In today’s world much has been written about the importance of positive thinking and the interrelation between mind, body, and spirit. What affects one will affect them all. So guard your thoughts. Don’t let worry consume you. As the adage says: “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere”.
A mantra that I particularly like is “this, too, shall pass”. And no matter what it is, nothing lasts forever, be it good times or bad times. I wish you well. I wish you many blessings and the ability to recognize them when they arrive.
It is so easy to fall into the negativity trap. As a friend once said, “your thoughts are like dominoes, one block falls into another, into another, and so on”. Negative thoughts seem to generate more negative thoughts. But the good news is positive thoughts do the same and lead to more positive thoughts. My friend is very wise!
To stop the avalanche of negativity from swamping you and making life miserable you only have to become aware of what you think about. It’s not easy and it takes practice, but I can assure you from personal experience that it’s worth it and it can be done.
Negative thinking is only a habit of thinking – a pattern that can make you and those around you very unhappy. And misery really does love company! Choose your thoughts carefully. You can make positive thinking a habit by paying attention to your thought process. And as my wise friend also said in relation to negative thinking: “Don’t take that first think”.
This one is for the girl who taunted, insulted, and belittled me every chance she got. Thank you. You helped me learn what it feels like to feel sad; to feel less than others; to feel like I didn’t belong. In the process you helped me learn empathy and compassion. You made me stronger. Thank you.
You vented your frustration on me. I was your emotional punching bag. You helped me learn that I didn’t ever want to be that again. I learned that I matter. I learned to stand up for myself, though I didn’t at the time. As a friend of mine puts it: “to be somebody’s doormat you have to lay down first ‘. I will not lie down. I will stand firm. My experiences with you helped me learn this. Thank you.
You helped me see that my sensitivity, while it caused me great pain at the time, turned out to be my greatest strength, for I can see the pain in another’s eyes and reach out to help them. Thank you.
I came to understand how deeply unhappy you really were, and so I learned forgiveness. Thank you.
When I was young I thought I was weak and you were strong. But to be strong means to be kind; to be merciful; to be true to one’s values. That is what I learned. So, thank you.
To have healthy self esteem means that the opinions of others are just that – their opinions and I do not ever have to allow them to define who I am. Thank you.
Because you judged me I learned what it feels like to be judged and I vowed to never be that kind of person; The kind of person who defines others by their colour, religion, gender, or place of birth. Thank you.
All of the children in our class were afraid of your wrath and so nobody would play with me. I learned what isolation and loneliness feels like. I learned the importance of reaching out to the downtrodden; the lonely; the stranger and the outcast. In the process I have met wonderful people who became friends. So, thank you.
So you see, while your words hurt, they did not win out. It was never really about you – it was about the lessons I needed to learn. I like the person I’ve become. So, thank you!