I have to get some of this outside me. The heaviness weighs upon my chest and so, I write. I don’t need sympathy or anyone to “fix” this. I just need the release writing gives me.

Grief is painful, yes. It is also irritating beyond belief, especially when dealing with seemingly thousands of details like returning his cell phone; signing innumerable forms; handling financials aspects; and so much more. It is absolutely draining. I go from wanting to weep to wanting to scream my frustrations into the void. Grief is walking the aisles of the grocery store and trying to swallow the lump in my throat when seeing his favorite foods. Grief is people awkwardly avoiding you because they don’t know what to say. It’s not contagious people, I swear it isn’t. Grief is a torrential rain of feelings. Most of all grief is missing a loved one so much that you think you might die from the pain of it. Grief is my phone never stopping with text messages and calls, until after the funeral when the phone is completely silent. “Let me know if you need anything” was said so often by pretty much everyone I know. But I don’t know what I need, except I need the pain to stop. It won’t. I know this. Grief is a road I must walk alone. I am sad. I am angry. But most of all I am incredibly lonesome. I need to talk but while misery loves company, company definitely does not like misery.  Everyone deals with grief in their own way. For me, I need to talk about Randy. Please let me.

39 thoughts on “Processing Grief

  1. Talk all you want, Carol. This blog is yours. I found my space about 7 years after my grief found me and by then, so much had accrued and I was a mess. You’re so right in saying that company does not like misery. In my case the words I hated to hear was – Move on. For who? I wanted to scream. For you, I guess – I wanted to yell at all the people suddenly feeling lost just because I am less available to hear all their whining and ranting.

    In the end, I left them all. All those who showed me they didn’t really care, who told me to move on so that I would return to their worlds as before – not because they wanted me to heal for me.

    But coming back to the heart of today – say whatever you want. We’re here to hold you and to hug you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. God bless you, Caitlynne. People have been so very good, but really have no idea how to help. Our society would like to ignore grief and pain – it makes people uncomfortable. We experienced so many deaths in my family so I am no stranger to it. I know I have to ride the waves and try not to be submerged by them. I will be writing more. I have to – it is my road to healing. and, perhaps my words will help someone else. That is my hope, anyway. Thank you for your kindness.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Hello dear Carol. I honestly know what you are going thru. For the past several years, our family has encountered the worst of losses. Grief has never left me but the deeper it cuts through, the closer I draw into the presence of our Lord. The beginning of loss is shock, but in a broader understanding, we have to see what God wants us to do next. I don’t know what to say Carol, but I have always been a lonely child with 15 siblings. I am not a Cool person. I am sometimes lonely married. We have our individual space . The unexpected, or aging can make me even more lonely. Through the Lord and giving of myself in a charitable way, I will find solace. God has a plan for each one of from begging to the end.. in his plan are testing, love, mercy and deliverance. Big Hugs to you sweet lady! 💞💞💞💞

    Liked by 3 people

    1. People tell me how strong I am. I do not feel strong so it must be the Divine One’s strength they perceive. I can do nothing without God. Thank you for your words of comfort. I am number seven in a family of nine – two of my brothers have passed away so now we are seven. I am no stranger to grief. There have been many deaths in my family but losing Randy is so different.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Hello Carol. How nice it is to hear back from you. Recently someone near and dear lost a spouse, feeling all of the shared sadness, my imparted reminder was to the person an now to you, those that have passed away will be coming back very soon. Set your heart on the unfolding of prophecies, God is fulfilling them. Randy is still with you. Believe it. Prayers are always going up for you. I have the biggest prayer list. Big hugs to you sweet lady! 💞💞💞💞💞

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank God for family good or bad, love gives us remedies and refuge. I don’t believe anyone can take the place if a longtime spouse. But, God gives us everything to make us strong and righteous in our walk of life. God is not done with you. May God lift you up Carol in unexpected miraculous ways, longtime, online friend. Sending you the Biggest Hugs ever! 🤗 💞💞💞💞💞💞🤗

        Liked by 1 person

  3. As you’ve noted in your response to Rajkkhoja, grief is the most common and shared human experience. You are not alone in your loss and grief. Each one of us deals with it the best way we can. If writing about it helps you, so be it ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Carol, you described the journey of grief in such a raw and honest way. I can identify with every lonely moment. When I lost my husband of twenty-two years pretty much all I wanted to do is relive memories of our days together and talk about him, and I did. Honestly, I sometimes sensed other people’s discomfort but I talked about Michael anyway. After three years, I still do. He was a part of my life for decades, and I can’t (and shouldn’t) move forward without him being a part of it. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

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